May 25

Dodge park

8:32am

 

Here I am. At the park. There’s barely anyone here. I saw a couple guys running and there was an older couple that just passed my bench. They had binoculars around their necks, so I think they might be birdwatching. I really only see house sparrows and robins though. Not much else. I wonder what else could be out here. But yeah, other than them, there’s really no one else. It’s quiet. Which makes me wonder why everyone seems to be so big on the parks. They say it’s nice to get some fresh air once in a while.

 

I guess that’s what I set out to do, breathe some new air, write something in my journal, and just think about shit. Not much of that going on right now lol. It’s difficult to really think about it. My brains going too fast to slow down to think.

 

Maybe I’ll start with a question. I think I remember a teacher once telling me something like that. ‘It’s always easier to write if you start with a question.’ I’m gonna try that. 

 

Question: Why the fuck are you here at 8:30 in the morning?

 

I really don’t know at all. I think I’m tired. Not physically but mentally exhausted. I feel like I need to get out of my apartment, get out of my bubble. But it’s not just that. It’s the seeming lack of control. It’s the rote nature of action every day. It’s fear as a ventriloquist and me as a marionette. And day by day, my mind just ge

 

There’s deer over on the field now, by the soccer nets. That’s crazy. I have never seen any here before.

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8:45am

 

I went up behind one of the honeysuckle bushes and watched them for a long time. They definitely saw me, but I must’ve been a safe distance away. It was such a beautiful moment. The deer and their fawn were grazing on the grass so peacefully and the morning dew made the grasses look so vibrant. At one point, there was a gust of wind and all the grasses, bushes, and trees swayed in one direction. The deer stood unmoved. It was like a portrait.

 

I wonder how deer function in their social groups, their little societies. Are the young deer as motivated by fear as we humans are? I’m sure they’re fearful of us and bigger animals, fearful of being killed, of dying. Are we scared of dying too? Is that why we fear change, social constructs that don’t favor us or whatever group we supposedly ‘belong to,’ free time that needs to be filled so we don’t have to think about every agonizing second of us hurtling toward death?

 

Was death on her mind too? It had to be.

 

‘Sometimes, you just quietly go into your head and I don’t know how to reach you there.’ I still remember her saying that to me. It runs in a constant loop in my head sometimes, because I don’t know why it mattered. Why it mattered that I liked to be in my own world.

 

Death was and is the temporal constraint. The more time we spent together and the more time I spent in my head, away from her, was less time before things all came to an end.

 

It’s baffling to think about death and to sit at the foot of all these trees. They are sages in their own right. They watch the ephemeral rise and fall. Rise and fall. Over and over and over. If they could speak, they’d probably tell me about all the other humans that come now and came before to this same spot, each thinking in their own ways about the same things I am. And together all the trees would laugh and tell me that if I worry about death and such things, I’m only quickening the timeline. And then, they wouldn’t say this (because they know advice is often futile), but I would know anyway. I would know that they think I should be more like them, calm and collected and wise.

 

But don’t they know that peace is a myth told to placate the unkempt soul? Every day, whether it’s outside or on the news, things are falling apart. More unrest, destruction, and uncertainty. The world seems to be chipping away. My world seems to be chipping even faster.

 

Before me seems to lay a heap of broken relationships and demolished ambitions. There was the agony of seeing it all break in front of me, seeing it all being broken by me. How was I supposed to know any better?

 

9:15am

 

I went for a walk on one of the trails. I just needed to breathe.

 

There were some nice big patches of moss along the path. It was fun jumping on them since they’re so squishy. And shit I almost forgot. I also saw a little redstart on the path, hopping and chirping along. I watched that for a moment. It seemed very merry. The bird finally flew away into the vegetation once I got too close.

 

I’m sitting by the river now. Like many times before, I definitely am realizing how much I worry. I worry too much about where this is all going to lead, short-term and long-term. Whether things will turn out okay, where the light is in this seemingly meaningless existence.

 

Meanwhile though, it’s just nice to have some time to think.